A dramatic Shakespearean response to every situation
When something bad happens:True is it that we have seen better days.
When something REALLY bad happens:O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day! Most lamentable day. Most woeful day That ever, ever I did yet behold! O day, O day, O day! O hateful day! Never was seen so black a day as this.O woeful day! O woeful day!
When people say that something is wrong because the Bible says so:The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
When my girlfriend abandons me for food:FRAILTY, THY NAME IS WOMAN!
When someone doesn't thank me for holding the door open for them:BLOW, BLOW, BLOW, THOU WINTER WIND! THOU ART NOT SO UNKIND AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE!
When I burn something while cooking:MY CAKE IS DOUGH!
When human stupidity frustrates me:LORD, WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!
When someone says I'm going to hell for my sins:NYMPH, IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBER'D.
When I'm broke:My pride fell with my fortunes
When someone turns the light on after a period of darkness and blinding light ensues:OH, SHE DOTH TEACH THE TORCHES TO BURN BRIGHT!
When someone disagrees with me:THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH, HORATIO, THEN ARE DREAMT OF IN YOUR PHILOSOPHY.
When I argue with my girlfriend:The course of true love never did run smooth.
When I'm embarrassed:MUST I HOLD A CANDLE TO MY SHAMES?!
Someone says "Good Night":Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.
So the bible condemns homosexuality, eh? Pardon me while I take a deep breath, because the list of what else the bible says is a long one... Well, it also forbids shaving, cursing, telling rude jokes, gossiping, eating lobster, eating pork, touching a woman within 7 days after her period, round haircuts (sorry Beatles), eating or touching anything related to a pig - including their hides, fortune telling, pulling out before you ejaculate, tattoos, mixed fabric like polyester, divorce, letting men without testicles and/or a penis into church, masturbation, wearing gold or other expensive clothing or jewelry, eating shellfish, and... a wife defending her husband's life in a fight by grabbing the attacker's genitals. A married couple having intercourse during a woman's period should be put to death, if a married person has sex with someone's husband/wife both should be put to death, if a bride is discovered not to be a virgin, she should be put to death, and sodomy is condemned (anal or oral sex). If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir. Guess what else? Marriage is oftentimes undesirable as it distracts from the service of the Lord. You are also not allowed to have sex with angels. Darn. Was really looking forward to that one. You also can never eat fat, witches should be killed, children of a bastard (child of unmarried parents) cannot enter a church up to the tenth generation, handicapped people are not allowed in church because their presence profanes his sanctuary, women are officially second class citizens and also can be owned, false prophets are to be killed by their own parents, and the parents of a stubborn child must stone their own child.